Hebrews 4:12

For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Musings on Self Esteem

It seems to me that it is almost impossible to avoid hearing about self esteem these days.  Everywhere one turns there is the constant drumbeat of self esteem.  It would seem to me that the most common excuse for people doing bad things, or behaving in an inappropriate way, or whatever the case may be is that they have low self esteem.  If only their self esteem were a little higher, a little better, a little "healthier," then maybe they wouldn't do whatever it is they are doing that they shouldn't.

Now, it is not my intention to address any highly refined, intellectually sophisticated psychological definitions of self esteem or psychotherapy, but rather how it is expressed generally.  That is the common understanding, so if my presentation happens not to fit with what one might read in a psychology text book (and I don't know if it does or not), well, that's ok, because it's not intended to.

The way that "Self Esteem Issues" are represented in our culture is that people don't have a good enough self image, that they don't think highly enough of themselves, that they are better than they see themselves as being. 

It would be my contention that this approach is absolutely wrong.  The way that I see it, people who are most considered to have low self esteem in fact do have an incorrect self image, but not that they see themselves as being less than they should, but rather, quite to the contrary, they see themselves as being considerably better than they actually are.  That is to say, they esteem themselves too highly already.  Where they run into problems is that other people do not see them the same way that they see themselves.  Therefore they get negative feedback from other people which does not fit with their incorrect self image, and this is what causes them to feel conflicted.  Not that they don't esteem themselves as highly as they should but rather that other people do not esteem them as highly as they incorrectly esteem themselves.  They do not understand why it is that the image others have of them does not match up with the image that they have of themselves. 

The most common remedy offered for this problem is not to correct the self image of the person with abnormally high, and undeserved, self esteem, but rather to teach them to ignore the negative (and likely quite correct) feedback that they get from those people with whom they interact.  This does not breed better self esteem, or a healthy self image, or a even a healthy, well rounded person, rather, when effective, it breeds arrogance.  When a person already thinks too highly of themselves, and refuses to take accurate feedback, or even weigh and consider negative feedback, arrogance seems to be the only possible outcome.

It seems to me that it would be much more helpful to correct a persons' self image, to help them to weigh, consider and evaluate the feedback that they get from others, be it negative, positive, or relatively passive, to see what they might learn from that feedback.  An honest and earnest assessment of the reactions that others have to us would be beneficial in many ways.  For starters, it could very well help us to correct our self image, in either direction it is incorrect, such as, if you think too highly of yourself, you could come to realize that you are not actually as good as you thought and need to be brought down a notch or two, on the other hand, maybe you think you are not good at something, but due to positive feedback come to realize that you have an area of strength that you did not know you had.  It might help you to see an area of weakness that you didn't know you had, and thus allow you to ask someone for help in that area and get you on the right track, or stop doing something and allow someone better suited to it to step into a particular role.

Another related point is that this would require all of us to stop giving incorrect feedback.  First and foremost, the tendency to soften the truth, or flat out lie, under the guise of sparing someones feelings simply has to go.  For instance, if someone does a poor job of something, telling them that they did good, or alright, or not too bad, simply must go, rather we would be doing much more good for everyone to look them in the eye and gently point out what they did wrong, or what needed to be done better.  Don't misunderstand, I do not mean to berate and belittle someone, as this will do no good either.  The truth, gently spoken to someone who is willing to accept correction, and honestly evaluate feedback, will produce improvement for all involved.  Secondly, if we ourselves stop esteeming ourselves more highly than we ought, we might well stop being too hard on other people who do not measure up to our ridiculous ideas of our own perfection. 

Perhaps, no, certainly, the most important aspect of all is that the common teaching of this self esteem doctrine makes the Gospel of Jesus Christ quite unacceptable to the modern hearer.  After all, who wants to be told that they are a sinner, justly condemned before a Holy God, with nothing to offer, nothing that they can do or bring to stave off His just and Holy Wrath which will be poured out upon them for eternity if they do not repent and turn to him, reaching out with the empty hand of faith?  Does not the rebel heart, hyped up on self esteem say, "Wait, no, I'm better than that, why doesn't even God know how good I am, I deserve better than this?!"  In fact, isn't this just a rehash of all of the works righteousness religions that have existed throughout all of history?  People seeking to be seen by others (be it God, or gods or other people) as being as good as they see themselves is certainly nothing new, thus, self esteem, though the name is relatively recent, is itself nothing new, nor is it any more true in it's current form than it has ever been in any of it's previous forms. 

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